and I want to tell you about my experience.
The first warning sign was a slow onset of depression during college. It was around during the summer after first year, but once the fall semester started, it was rough. Having a first panic attack, anxiety through the roof, feeling hopeless and pessimistic, and most of all lonely. This is a feeling that will be a persistent theme. I was keeping up with classes, but not with any interest or enthusiasm; rather, with digust and somehow a condescension.
I didn't like my major, neither the classes nor the associated clubs nor the other people in it, honestly. But most of all I hated that I wouldn't let myself quit. I wouldn't quit because I wanted to wallow in the hate and deep pessimism I found myself mired in. It was darkly pleasant, most of the time. The rest of the time I was lonely and wondered why I couldn't keep friends. I went to a Bible study, and though I kindly ignored everything that was said there, stayed for the people. But the depression rotted many of those relationships as well. I was a black sheep among them.
Eventually I switched majors. I met a few people in the new major. Migraines started to get me. I had never had one before this. Then, once a month for a few months, they would hit, knock me out for a few hours or a day. I missed only a few days of class. Nothing major. But I was still quite depressed. I hit the six month mark on the depression around here.
And then suddenly everything was better. I woke up for a run, something I had been doing masochistically, now turned into a fun way to start my day. I was planning the rest of my day, and enjoying it. I was looking forward to life. And my life seemed to get better and better. A few weeks went by. I was being productive for class and clubs, socializing, and engaging in hobbies. I had several days of late nights followed by early mornings, but I didn't mind at all! It was all going great until, on a day trip with friends, I had something like hallucinations. It was a vivid attack of imagination, demanding and attention grabbing in its clarity. I was physically reacting to the scenarios